If you are like me, you squirm in a small group meeting when the room grows silent. I fantasize myself something like the mysterious woman who waits until the perfect moment to speak - and when she does her listeners are captivated but that never quite happens something bubbles up inside me and I…just-have-to-say-something!
Or let’s say I haven’t seen a good friend for a long time. My mind gets overwhelmed with things to say because it’s been so long.
Where do we start? What have we missed? How can we get caught up?
And it’s like those first few moments are schizophrenic, jumping from one topic to another, tangent-city, trying to get caught up.
That’s what I’m feeling about this blog post. It’s been months. And before that, it was months. It’s like our blog-friendship (aka blogship) is severely undernourished.
How do I just start again?
And why did I stop?
And what have we been up to? (more on that later)
I’ve never been good at ice-breakers to be honest. Small talk makes me break out into an invisible rash.
I’m that awkward girl in the room when everyone is talking about weather, and I just dropped the whole “what is the meaning of life” bomb.
I’ve killed light -hearted conversation.
I’ve held onto a certain topic through interruptions like babies crying, phone calls, even someone needing to leave to no avail.
Sometimes I think I am the weirdest girl you may have ever met.
But there is this anthem inside me that sings about how we are all weird.
Perhaps that is what keeps me going when I walk away from community with people feeling as though I put my foot in my mouth once again.
Are you weird like this too?
So how do I break this silence? I just don’t know. Or perhaps I just did.
And perhaps that’s the issue here. Perhaps the silence was there because of this fear to get started or this FEAR of being my weird self in the breaking of the silence.
If you’re a perfectionist like me, you can drive yourself crazy wanting it to be perfect. But the truth is, it never will be perfect.
In fact, it’s the only thing I am perfect at is being imperfect.
I’m a messy and complex individual.
So breaking the silence on this blog, or in a friendship or in a small group – it’s going to be messy and awkward.
And it’s ok. It’s time I embrace this.
This is ME.
I am messy
and sad sometimes
and angry sometimes
and crazy sometimes
and obsessed sometimes
And God made all those things in me.
And I’m not alone. You are messy too
… aren’t you?
So this is how I break the silence then.
I just start. And put my junky words on here and tell myself that they are not junky, they are me and somehow by being me – God uses it. Hopefully.
I am going to do my best to just-keep-writing.
And try not to focus on making this perfectly edited and perfectly brilliant blog post.
I’m just going to talk. (hopefully not too much). Because I have a feeling it will be good for my soul. And I’m hoping that it might be good for yours too.
Don’t be bashful. If you read, introduce yourself.
Let’s talk to each other. —aka comment below.