This blog post goes under my long list of {The Things I’m Embarrassed To Talk About!}
So I have these recurring thoughts…about one of the scariest words ever.
I am deeply scared of the C word.
My friends think I’m crazy at the mention of it when I’m toiling over a pain or a health issue in my life.
For example, January of last year when I got a positive on a pregnancy test and discovered that the hormones those tests look for is the same one found in cancer patients.
“So I’m either pregnant or I have cancer. We’ll find out soon.” Umm…awkward. (I was actually pregnant)
And I joke about, even accept it at times that cancer could be the way that the Lord takes me someday – I’m sorry for that friends, Cancer is never a light-hearted issue. I guess it’s my way of dealing with this fear.
Today I grieved over the inspiring Kara Tippets (read her story here) who went to be with Jesus after a courageous battle with Cancer. She passed on March 22nd.
We see similar stories in our social stratosphere and in the homes of our friends and family.
The details I cannot shake. “Lord, why? They didn’t get to see their babies grow up!”
This thought alone makes it hard to breathe and I become fixated on it.
Fear creeps in deeply and slowly.
I recently attended the funeral of my sweet aunt Ella. She didn’t die of cancer, she slipped on stairs. It was sad and yet beautiful at the same time – a great soul to celebrate.
In the middle of the funeral I felt something come over me. I had some strange but vivid thoughts. Disturbing thoughts.
On the way home…
Me: “Hey honey, have you ever felt like God was giving you a glimpse of how you will die?”
Hubby: “Oh yeah, for sure, I know I’ll probably die of stomach cancer or Alzheimer’s or something.”
Me: “Oh man… I mean did you ever feel like God was telling you that you’re going to die much earlier than expected?” “Do you ever have that feeling?”
Hubby: “Well maybe sometimes. But I don’t think about that. I think about dying when I’m old. It’s not worth it to worry about dying young like that, that just makes life horrible…But honey, you know everybody thinks about how they might die while sitting at a funeral, right?”
Me: “Oh…well, no. I thought it was original - a sign from God.”
I guess it’s normal to obsess over death when you watch or experience the death of others.
There is purpose in this thinking.
These thoughts can either hinder us or lead us to live greater lives.
The whole “live like you are dying” mantra. “Seize the day, it could be your last,”
It’s a kind of brokenness. It can wake us up to re-prioritizing what really matters to us.
But to be honest.
I have this interior drama queen in me. I’m not incredibly dramatic on the outside. But inside my head I day dream up all kinds of horrible scenarios.
It’s how I how I learned to deal with gripping fear and panic I had as a child. If I imagined the worst before the worst had happened to me then I thought I could beat it.
Fear was not my only issue I had as a child (I was also a closet control freak).
But I don’t think it’s the cancer that I fear. In fact, I don’t think it’s death that I fear. I think it’s the lack of control.
You see - I’ve written my future story already. I have become deeply connected with the way I think things should be.
Last summer I dropped my 2 older kids off at my moms for the weekend. As I drove off, I started to panic. (a somewhat normal procedure for me). I drive the car away and instantly start thinking bad thoughts and worse case scenarios. On the flip-side it helps me cherish how amazing my kids are and how deeply I love them (note: remember this on days when I’m burned out on mothering).
But on that drive home, I had those thoughts again – the same ones I have about cancer. And I started praying ferociously.
“Lord, please let me see my babies grow up, I want to be the one that raises them. Please Lord don’t take them from me or me from them.”
And in those moments I realize. I have no control. I am not the author of our lives.
The Lord might have written some things into our lives that I am not ok with. He’s done that before in my life. This is not a new idea. So what’s a control freak supposed to do with this knowledge?
There’s a point where I have to tell my fear what to do.
Fear is a powerful feeling.
It can either be a thief; stealing our ability to flourish or it can be a tool, a motivating factor for change.
I can either possess the fear of death, trying to control it, so therefore I hardly live.
Or I can possess the fear of not truly living in which case, death is only a matter of time, but does not control me.
I’m embarrassed by these streaks of fear in my life, but there are few steps that I’ve learned to take when fear creeps in that has helped me to conquer it and life a fuller life.
…How To Conquer The Fear of Tragedy is tomorrow’s post. Stay tuned!
I’m going to be talking a lot about fear this year. Because this is the year I want to OVERCOME remember? I realized that there are different types of fears we all carry around with us. The Fear of Tragedy (dying, death of loved ones, natural disasters, loss, health risks, ect.) falls under the category of Legitimate Fears. I think this is human nature. Stay tuned for the other kids of fear that attempts to steal our joy and our freedom in everyday living.
